Well if this wasn’t the horniest Dog Walk Draft to date then I must have missed a draft, because the boys were drafting with boners tucked in their waistbands like it was 4th period band class. Music videos are inherently horny, and once the pheromones get put into the atmosphere it’s impossible to not catch the fever. However, music videos are so much more than asses shaking and oiled up pop stars. Music videos are short films. They are stories. They can be exciting and get the blood pumping, in other parts of the bodies besides the penis. They can be emotional and make you feel things. They can be fun and wacky and out there and make no sense. We are well past the golden ages of music videos but there was a period of time where they reigned supreme. Music video drops were appointment TV. TRL or VH1 music video specials were the best. Some artist still scratch the creative itch and make an awesome video, but they are very much a lost art. This draft was a nice trip down memory lane, mixed in with a few tugs, and about 100 other music videos that did even make the cut. Battle Rap Champion, Pup Punk lead vocalist and one of the most all around talented individuals at Barstool, Rone, joined the Chicago guys this week for his first ever dog walk draft and he did not disappoint.
Draft Order: 1. Carl 2. WSD 3. Eddie 4. Rone 5. Chief
Round 1
Pick 1: Carl, Thriller- Michael Jackson
Grade- Chalk
Carl is on a 3 draft heater and all three of the drafts he has actively gone and got the first overall pick after winning the draft order draw. The same goes for this week’s draft. Carl was the first to guess the number correctly and was able to land the first overall pick in a draft where 1.1 is a stand out pick. Kentucky Derby, Italian Beef, Corn Hole and now Thriller.
Pick 2: WSD, Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke
Grade- Tits
Took 2 picks to get horny, and it got real horny, real quick. The uncensored video is simply Emily Ratajkowski and 2 other beautiful models just doing things with their tits out as Robin Thicke, Pharrel and T.I. lip sync. It’s a work of art really. Ed got so captivated he couldn’t muster up the ability to X out of the screen while he was hosting a podcast. This is borderline just a softcore porn hub video and not even a music video.
Pick 3: Eddie, These Boots Are Made For Walkin’- Jessica Simpson
Grade- Walk All Over Me
Jessica Simpson could have walked off set, stepped in a fresh pile of dog shit, then kicked directly in the chest, and I would have worn that dog shit covered shirt for the rest of my life. Quite possibly the hottest any woman has ever looked doing anything.
Pick 4: Rone, Toxic- Brittany Spears
Grade- Mile High Club
There is mile high club fantasy. There’s pop star fantasy. And then there is Stewardess Brittany from toxic fantasy. You knew Brittany was going to go first round, she was the elite female pop star of the 90s with some absolute heater videos. Rone got a good one, but not the one I would go with personally. The name for this song and the rest to follow will be fitting for Brittanys impact on the draft.
Pick 5: Chief, I’m A Slave For You -Brittany Spears
Grade- Sexy Fart Noise
Super hot video obviously. But Brittany just came off the board and this video isn’t strong enough to justify the back to back Brittany picks. I get you may want Brittany on your board but pick your spots. I’m a Slave video is still not the top Brittany video so it definitely doesn’t belong in the first round.
Round 1- Carl really stands out in the round because after WSD took Blurred Lines the first round turned into an Ookie Cookie. Carl got first ballot HoF video, you can find you sex appeal later on.
Round 2
Pick 6: Chief, Wildest Dreams- Taylor Swift
Grade- Cinematic Adventure
I don’t know if Chief is going to get the love he deserves for this pick but this is an awesome music video. Amazing footage of the African Safari, dark hair Taylor and just a very cool story being told through the music video. And I don’t think this is horny pick at all. This is just an extremely visually appealing music video that accompanies a lovely song, sung by a beautiful woman.
Pick 7: Rone, Real Slim Shady- Eminem
Grade- My Bum Is On Your Lips
Eminem does not get enough credit for his music videos. His videos were these goofy almost sketch comedy type scenes going on to try to depict his insane and messed up lyrics and they were absolutely incredible. Real Slim Shady is a great pick but it might not even be my favorite Em video. Without Me and My Band are two all time music videos. For a guy who has some hard raps and comes off a little rough around the edges, he was putting on costumes and playing all different parts in these whacky videos, part of Eminem that a new generation of listeners may never see.
Pick 8: Eddie, Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC
Grade- Basically a Mission Impossible Movie.
Boy Band music videos. Nothing like them. Choreographed dances like you read about. The dance move became iconic but the music video itself is awesome. Joey and Chris running on the top of a movie train, JT getting run down by Dobermans, JC and Lance in a car chase. They just couldn’t shake this bitch. N*SYNC was the #1 boy band so I would absolutely want them on my list, but if I was drafting from my heart, Backstreet Boy- Back Streets Back, is the number 1 boy band music video of all time.
Pick 9: WSD, Oops, I Did It Again- Brittany Spears
Grade- Oops, Wrong Brittany Video Again
3 Brittany videos off the board yet the best one still has not gotten drafted. I will say this again, all three very hot videos, but you are trying to build a list that wins and when 4 people have Brittany on it, you need the number one video. Ed and Carl can still steal that vote.
Pick 10: Carl, Sabotage- Beastie Boys
Grade- Chess
Carl stays playing Chess while everyone else plays Checkers. While people can’t stop drafting Brittany, Carl is adding some diversity to his board. Sure, some ass shaking will keep my eyeballs on the screen but I love a music video that has a plot to it and Sabotage is exactly that. It looks about as low budget and rock and roll as you can get and that’s what makes it perfect.
Round 2- Chief made a brave pick that I loved. Brave pick from a brave drafter. Ed got the top boy band on his board. Rone made my favorite pick through 10. Carl just clearly has a different strategy than the other drafters.
Round 3
Pick 11: Carl, Take On Me- A-ha
Grade- Different
It is a very unique music video. It came to mind when the topic was revealed just based on it being one of a kind for its time. It’s a very cool use of simple sketches and I believe it has always been considered a top music video of all time. And if Carl needed a PMT bump anyways.
Pick 12: WSD, What’s My Age Again- Blink 182
Grade- Dicks Out
Just guys being dudes, running naked through town. This is an all time favorite video of mine and getting it in the third round is incredible value for WSD here. Blink was the punk rock band of the music video golden age and this video is the cream of the crop. I would venture to say most people may not even know that the ever popular “What The Fuck” gif was born from this video.
Pick 13: Eddie, Hit Me Baby, One More Time- Brittany Spears
Grade- Finally
The number 1 Brittany Spears video finally comes off the board. I don’t care if Ed already went Jessica Simpson, when school google Brittany is still available you draft the best player on the board. Ed has N*SYNC and Brittany Spears on his board, two titans.
Pick 14: Rone, Work It- Missy Elliot
Grade- Elephant Noise
A phenomenal choreographed performance throughout the whole video. Missys get up are ridiculous, the background dancers are unreal and the little girl who absolutely lit the floor on fire has remained famous from her dancing in this video. The lyrics are intimidating and you’re lying if you say you’ve never mumbled whatever she says in the chorus.
Pick 15: Chief, Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems- P. Diddy
Grade- RIP B.I.G.
This video starts off with Mace Gumble announcing Puffy Woods’ putt to defeat Fuzzy BadFeet at the Bad Boy Championship and it just gets better and better the rest of the way. Mace and Puffy floatin in the gravity reduction room. The black and white room with the red jumpsuits. It’s all great. My personal favorite Diddy video is Bad Boy 4 Lyfe but this is a close second.
Round 3- It took 3 rounds, but the correct Brittany Spears video was finally drafted. WSD and Chief are a toss up for my favorite pick of the round. Rone is slowly falling behind after 3 rounds. Although I like Carls pick, I think that levels the playing field a bit on the poll.
Round 4
Pick 16: Chief, Hey, Ya!- Outkast
Grade- Shake It
What a back to back for Chief! This music video is so much fun. You want to talk about an absolute showman? Andre 300 playing every member of the Love Below is a hall of fame performance. That man acted his ass off in this music video. Chief has had a big time draft so far and all but guarantees another second place finish.
Pick 17: Rone, 7 Nation Army- The White Stripes
Grade- Repetitive
This video is very cool, but for 4 minutes it kind of gets repetitive. It’s awesome to watch, until its not. I need a little more substance to my music videos and although the art and visual appeal is there, it just lacks depth. Unlike battle raps, I don’t think Rone is going to win this draft battle.
Pick 18: Eddie, Can’t Touch This- MC Hammer
Grade- Stop, Eddie Time.
I need Ed to rock parachute pants. The Hammer Dance is a hall of fame dance that has spanned across generations and that originates from the music video. The insane parachute pants, the dance, “Stop.Hammer Time.”, have lived on long after the release of the video and that is a testament to how awesome it is.
Pick 19: WSD, Express Yourself- NWA
Grade- Overthinking
There really is not much of a difference between this video and some of NWA’s other music videos. A lot of their videos were about the cultural struggle they faced and the relationship between african americans and the police. If you wanted to go with NWA, Straight Out of Compton is an all around better video with the same cultural impact. Dave just cannot put 5 rounds together.
Pick 20: Carl, Baby Got Back- Sir Mix A Lot
Grade- I Like Winning Drafts And I Cannot Lie
Carl roman swiped pre-draft and was able to hold in his horny until round 4. And this is how you horny folks. What differentiates Rone’s Brittany from Eds Brittany? Nothing. WSDs Brittany from Chiefs? Nothing. They all just have Brittany. Carl has an OG bonk video that stands out on the board. There is a strategy to winning drafts and Carl just knows what he’s doing.
Round 4- Chief had a back to back that could win him this draft. Carl went a different horny route. Ed went with a throwback. Rone is slipping.
Round 5
Pick 21: Carl, The Thong Song- Sisqo
Grade- Back to Back Loads
Don’t just get a little horny, go all the way horny. Carl lets the world know he’s an ass guy and finishes all over this draft’s backside with two all time booty lovin’ music videos. Sisqo with his head spray painted silver and his white 8 fingers gloves just teaching his daughter what a thong is. Oh ya, thats how the music video starts, his toddler daughter holding up some fine red lingerie and asking Sisqo, “Whats this?”. So aside from the plethora of Miami cheeks clapped throughout the video, the best part of it, is that its a learning experience too.
Pick 22: WSD, Hot For Teacher- Van Halen
Grade- I GIVE IT A 10
Because it is older, I am not sure it is going to be enough for Dave, but you are not going to find much better 5th round value then this music video. Everyone has had a teacher or two growing up that you would risk it all for, and this music video, and the whole song really, depicts it perfectly. It’s a crazy and fun video and a great pick by Dave to close off a solid draft.
Pick 23: Eddie, Stan- Eminem
Grade- Truly Yours, Ed.
The 8 minute version of this music video is a full blown short film. It is a wild ride and probably the darkest of all the videos taken in this draft but it’s one of the more memorable music videos you can watch. There are insane super fans out there and they have become known as “Stans” for a reason.
Pick 24: Rone, LSD- A$AP Rocky
Grade- I Would Try It
I had never seen this video before Rone drafted it, so I immediately went to my LSD drawer to grab some LSD and dive into the video. Boy, was I impressed. This video is flat out awesome. AS far as music videos goes it has everything and is a hell of a trip to go on for a few minutes. Unfortunately, Rone needed a lot more here to give himself a chance to win this draft and this pick is just too unknown to get it done for him.
Pick 25(Mr. Irrelevant): Chief, Buddy Holly- Weezer
Grade- Happy Days
Dag-gawnit, Chief can win this draft. Real cool video concept from Weezer on this one with the Happy Days theme. Such good vibes at Arnolds. I can picture Chief taking a lovely lady on a date there and cuttin’ a rug to some Buddy Holly. Please, try the fish.
Some drafts finish and you know exactly who you’re voting for. Some drafts finish and you have no clue who you will be voting for. Other drafts you finish, and you are horned up on ’90 music videos. Because of this draft I ended up watching hours of music videos. Music videos are so damn cool. A well done music video, that pairs perfectly with the music, can take an average song and make it great, or even take a great song and make it legendary. The 90’s and 2000’s were the peak of music videos and going back to watch all the favorites was great. As for the draft, I am very torn. I do not think Chief had a good first overall pick, but he did still get Brittany on the board, so there is that. I loved his draft after it though, and the Outkast-P. Diddy back to back really made an impression on me. Carl, per usual, had a draft that can get him a win. He went a different route to get his rocks off, more of a tantric Seal approach, but overall he has 5 very memorable music video that stand out. Ed has heavy hitters up and down his list and very well could win. My vote will be given to one of those three, but the graphic will need to be seen first. Rone had a solid draft, I just do not think it will be good enough to win. WSD had a strong start and I love the Blink pick, but his board just doesn’t stack up to the rest.
SOME OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITES:
FOO FIGHTERS: LEARN TO FLY
BACKSTREET BOYS: BACKSTREETS BACK
DESTINY’S CHILD: SURVIVOR
KANYE WEST: GOOD LIFE
