So I loathe non-competition style reality TV. I really don’t even dabble with the competitive stuff either but I have watched some shows here and there. This isn’t some hardo stance either. I’ve seen Coyote Ugly 100 times, I blast Folklore in the car, I have gotten a mani-pedi and I have a lavender oil diffuser in my bedroom. Not a hardo. I just do not enjoy reality television. It isn’t authentic. It’s a bunch of self obsessed people. It just doesn’t do it for me. “Lets film an office full of idiots and always have cameras on them and then make a doc-series about it.” PASS….Just kidding. I love Stool Scenes. Barstool reality TV is the only reality TV I do enjoy. A great thing about today’s day and age, and when I say great I mean awful, is that you can know very little, even nothing on a topic, and still give your opinion on it on social media. So that is what I will do today because all I do is chew gum and break down Dog Walk Drafts, and I am all out gum*.
*I know mainstream Reality TV. I know the viral stuff. I am a twitter user. I get it.
Barstools Queen of Reality TV, Ria, hopped on to join the Chicago guys. I think the guys were on their heels coming into this match up with Ria. They clearly felt overmatched and even Carl was off his game pre-draft and it takes a lot to shake the master drafter. In Carls defense, Ria is a rocketship and a bad ass so I’d probably be a stumbling and bumbling fool talking to her as well.
The Guidelines: 1 Host, 1 Male, 1 Female, 1 Villain, 1 Moment.
The Order: 1. Eddie. 2. Chief. 3. WSD. 4. Carl. 5. Ria.
(The 5th spot is on an unprecedented losing streak. This could be the one to break it.)
ROUND 1:
Pick 1: Eddie- CT, The Challenge (Male)
Grade- Legend
I may not know a whole lot about Reality TV but I know CT. I know the moment Eddie was dying to touch on. Real World/Road Rules and the Challenge are HoF reality TV and CT who you think of with those shows. Plus Eddie is a Challenge Guy. He was going to take his man.
Pick 2: Chief- Chris Harrison, The Bachelor/Bachelorette (Host)
Grade- YIKES
Hey Chief, read the news bud. Chris Harrison is NOT it right now. He is in very hot water, taking a leave from the show, and on the verge of being canceled. There were two telling things that come from this pick. 1- Chief doesn’t prepare well for these drafts. B- Chief is a lost man due to BuratANON and still stood by this pick and hearing the news. When you surround yourself with yes men you come to learn that you do no wrong. Chief needs and intervention.
Pick 3: WSD- Johnny Bananas, The Challenge (Male)
Grade- Second Banana
I will always hate taking the second best from the same category in the same round as another drafter. Johnny Bananas is, as Chief perfectly said, second banana to CT, so I’d be trying to build my team around someone else and hope you can get him in the 2nd or 3rd round. The name will play but I think Eddie already got a good chunk of the Challenge vote with CT.
Pick 4: Carl- Snooki, Jersey Shore (Female)
Grade- Fist Pumps
Snooki was born for reality TV. Carl was born to snake draft. It’s a good first pick. The name Snooki pops. She was the top female in that show and is solidified in reality tv fame.
Pick 5: Ria- The Note, Jersey Shore (Moment)
Grade- Iconic
I never watched an episode of Jersey Shore and I know the note. The note is the most memed reality tv moment as far as i’m concerned. You can randomly find a reference to the note on any given day of the internet. WSD is an idiot for thinking this gets back to Ria in round 3.
Round 1- If you can believe it. Chief and Dave fall behind the 8 ball. The Chris Harrison pick is totally different if this is two weeks ago but just a tough time to take him first overall. Although I still think random voters who love bachelor will still love this pick. Johnny Bananas isnt a bad pick in this draft either, it’s just a bad first round pick after CT.
ROUND 2:
Pick 6: Ria- Spencer Pratt, The Hills (Villain)
Grade-
This was my first google. Didn’t know who this was when the pick was announced. They said he had a punchable face. The guy has an elite punchable face. I have no idea if this is too high for ole Spence but Ria seemed to be prepared with picks she wanted to make so I won’t argue.
Pick 7: Carl Richard Hatch, Survivor (Villain)
Grade- Dicks Out
The first ever Survivor winner and notorious villain of the show. He set the tone that Survivor was a cut throat competition. He even had real life prison time for tax evasion. This will garner a huge Survivor vote, Carl knows how to build a team, I don’t know if this is an early place to take him, but I am not going to argue it.
Pick 8: WSD- Kim Kardashian, Keeping Up With The Kardashians (Female)
Grade- Eyes Up Dave
Pander pick. Load the board with big names and pray. Ive never seen the show but when I think KUWTK I think of her mom before I think of Kim. I know Kim from a sex tape and Kanye, not the show. I know it has a massive following but I think it supersedes just being about Kim.
Pick 9: Chief- Simon Cowell, American Idol (Villain)
Grade-Thats a yes from me dog
Chief drafted a great villain for his host, and now has a great host for his villain. Well judge, but you get it. This is a great pick though. Best part of AI, aside from some beautiful vocals, was Simon just eviscerating people’s dreams of becoming a singer on TV. He was ruthless, he was mean, he was pure entertainment. Chiefs back in the mix.
Pick 10: Eddie- Kris Jenner, Keeping Up With The Kardashians (Female)
Grade- Red Jen
I bet Eddie and Kris would get along great. They both rule their show from behind the scenes in any way they choose. Eddie taking Kris directly following WSD being happy from his Kim pick is perfectly fitting for this pick too. Ed tried to pump up Rias tires pre-draft in an attempt to make the listeners think they were outmatched, but Ed knows his reality tv.
Round 2-
ROUND 3:
Pick 11: Eddie- Chicken of Sea, Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica (Moment)
Grade- BumbleBee
This pick made me laugh. I had totally forgotten about this little nugget and this moment is very funny. I know Ed wanted to dip back into the CT well but felt he had to diversify and he nailed his pick. This is a fun pick that will play.
Pick 12: Chief- Lauren Conrad, The Hills (Female)
Grade- (L)C
The Hills are foreign to me. I know LC is a main character but I have no idea her overall impact in reality TV. This could be a good pick, could be an okay pick, since its Chief, its probably a bad pick.
Pick 13: WSD- Ryan Seacrest, American Idol (Host)
Grade-
I always thought the judges carried the show and Seacrest was kind of the captain who didn’t actually steer the ship. WSD continues with his draft of just massive names that are in reality TV, I dont know if they are the best picks.
Pick 14: Carl- Flava Flav, Flava of Love (Male)
Grade- Clock Necklace
An absolute character. Pioneer of trash reality love shows. Signature look. His own tagline, which is just his name. The ultimate hype man is one who can hype up themselves.
Pick 15: Ria- TJ Lavin, The Challenge (Host)
Grade- No Quitters
This feels like a steal. I was expecting TJ to go off the board higher but maybe just because I’m more familiar with him than others. TJ is a unique host who goes above and beyond the normal hosting duties. People love TJ so I assume people will love the pick.
Round 3- I think Ria, Eddie and Carl are joslting for position right now while Chief tries to get back into this group of 4. WSD’s strategy is either going to work great or keep him off the poll.
ROUND 4:
Pick 16: Ria- Kristin Cavallari,The Hills (Female)
Grade- Her Bitch
I know Cavallari way more from her own show with Jay Cutler. I said I know nothing about the Hills. Ria said Kristin was her bitch and you just gotta pick your bitch.
Pick 17: Carl- Joe Rogan, Fear Factor (Host)
Grade- I Smoke Rocks
Out of the box pick my Carl here. You almost forget about Fear Factor and just think about Tyron Biggums but FF was a MONSTER reality TV show that was one of its kind and Rogan hosted the shit out of it. This seems like an awesome 4th round value.
Pick 18: WSD- Heidi Montag, The Hills (Villain)
Grade- Montag Yourself Out
Third Hills chick and second Hills villain. They all can’t be worthy enough in a 25 pick draft so I’ll assume this isn’t a great pick. If you can’t find another villain from a different show you probably were on the outside looking in anyways.
Pick 19: Chief- Dog The Bounty Hunter (Male)
Grade- 1 boop
Unique pick. I don’t think Chief was in position to win this draft so why not go outside of the box and grab some different voters. Dog is certainly reality TV but I guess I just don’t think of it like the reality tv that’s been coming off the board. It could be a cult following pick that could benefit Chief.
Pick 20: Eddie Jeff Probst, Survivor (Host)
Grade- A
The host of one of the longest running reality tv competition shows. I am not a survivor guy but I know who Probst is. I figured he was going to be coming off the board so the 4th round seems like great value.
Round 4- I don’t know enough about KC to have a great gauge, but I think Ed separated himself a bit here. Ed has had a great draft and this continues to strengthen his team. I don’t hate the Dog pick but I still don’t know if it helps Chiefs chances. WSD is off the poll.
ROUND 5:
Pick 21: Eddie- Farah Abraham, Teen Mom (Villain)
Grade- I would.
Eddie being a teen mom guy makes this pick great. I only know Farah Abraham as being trash so who am I to say she isn’t a good fifth round villain pick.
Pick 22: Chief- CT/Bananas Backpack, The Challenge (Moment)
Grade- My favorite moment.
An historic athletic feat. Bananas was a grown ass man who just became as helpless as a turtle on its back. I did not think this would be a 5th round pick, I think this is the best moment, so great value here from Chief.
Pick 23: WSD- William Hung, American Idol (Moment)
Grade- Dave Bangs
I don’t know where this ranks in the grand scheme of reality television but I do know I personally remember this guy stealing the show and becoming a phenomenon. It was more of laughing at you than with you thing but that’s probably fitting for WSD.
Pick 24: Carl- Susan Boyle, Britain’s Got Talent (Moment)
Grade- Jaw Dropping
This is a breathtaking performance, much like most of Carl’s drafts. You are just amazed as you’re watching. This is a heartwarming moment when most reality tv moments are funny. Carl has a wide spread board.
Pick 25 (Mr. Irrelevant): Ria- Scott Disik, Keeping Up With The Kardashians (Male)
Grade- Relevantly Irrelevant
If you can stick around the show when you aren’t even in the family anymore you must be doing something right. He is the only active male that I could name from that show.
After the re-read….my vote is for Ed. Eds team has the notoriety, the diversity, some uniqueness and he stayed true to himself. Ed had a great draft from top to bottom. Ria drafted a great team as well but I do think she messed up with Disik over Pauly D. She is going to get a fuck ton of votes from her CITO/Because We got High fans so that is very much going to factor into the vote. When Carl drafts a strong team he’s always got a chance so i’m not writing him off in any way. I just think Ed and Ria have better rosters. WSD and Chief have been having an odd dick measuring contest going on to claim who is the second worst drafter is and I think WSD solidified himself as the worst of the bunch today. This was HARD recap for me to do but that is how you blog through adversity.
