A white whale of a guest. El Presidente. Dave Portnoy himself. And no better of a draft to do with the man who passed out papers on the corner en route to created the biggest media empire the world has ever seen, than a Barstool Draft. Almost 20 years ago Dave started Barstool Sports and since then there has been a laundry list of moments, blogs, videos, characters, enemies, and friends along the way. Barstool is like nothing else out there. The brand, the people, the story. It is polarizing as it is entertaining. It is compassionate as it is brash. It is as authentic as it gets. Barstool is on a path to the moon because they have never changed, because they continue find content creating geniuses, and because they continue to hold true to the slogan, ‘For the Common man, By the Common man.’ This draft was a walk down memory lane and it was phenomenal. I do think Pres and the crew were a little noodle brain with the prospect of the tournament coming up that weekend and Barstool Sportsbook opening in Illinois. But nonetheless, an amazing draft.
Draft Categories:
1 Moment. 1 Ancillary Character. 1 Video. 1 T-Shirt. 1 Rivalry.
My Personal Top Picks for Each Category:
Moment: Gross Pres candy picture. It is on the cover of the book.
Video: Comedy Central Live Rundown. Out of the Box pick here but this was a massive moment in Barstool history. There are plenty of funnier, more original Barstool videos, but the CC live rundown was when Barstool began to take things to the next level.
T-Shirt: Star Fish Pinnie. Merch that turned into memorabilia.
Rivalry: Dave vs. KFC. It does not have the flame like it used to, but in the history books of Barstool, the rivalry between two of the pioneers is important.
Ancillary Character: Kevin Hayes, the Best One. I dont know if he counts but he or Greg Olsen were OG athlete Stoolies and the athletes who can understand what Barstool is are awesome and these two have been ride or die since day 1.
Draft Order:
1.El Pres 2. Eddie 3. WSD 4. Carl 5. Chief
Round 1
Pick 1: El Pres, Nate v. Smitty (Rivalry)
Grade- Spidermonkey
This was a spidermonkey pick by Pres. This pick hit you like you were YP coming out of a stairwell. Pres just coming into Farmers Insurance and acting like he runs the place. By Pres guidelines this is a great pick. The Chicago guys guidelines it is still a good pick. Barstool has such a deep and insane history and the first pick off the board is a blockhead vs. nate at night. That’s Barstool baby.
Pick 2: Eddie, Dave v. Goodell (Rivalry)
Grade- Unstoppable force meets Immovable Object
Goodell is probably the highest profile of rivalry options. The fact that Dave and Barstool have real estate in the COMMISIONER of the National Football Leagues head, and not just a studio on the outskirts of town, a beautiful beachfront home, is crazy. And Dave is always the one who comes out the winner. The only way Goodell can win is if he succumbs to speaking to Dave and even then he will lose because Pres will body bag him. Its a loose, loose for ole clown face.
Pick 3: Carl, The Brady Four (Moment)
Grade- Iconic
Iconic moment in Barstool history. Brady and the Patriots are an important piece to the Barstool puzzle and this moment really epitomizes the difference between the Stool and other places. These fuckin guys got arrested for content/Tom Brady. This, like a few other picks to come, is more of a ‘saga’ than a moment, but that arrest image is going to play on the graphic.
Pick 4: WSD, Barstool v. Deadspin (Rivalry)
Grade- Fuck Samir
Just because a rivalry is one sided, doesn’t mean it isn’t a rivalry. I thought this was a very good pick and it did not get the reaction I was expecting. Barstool and hit pieces go together like lamb and tuna fish. There will always be a deadspin hit piece around the corner, and Barstool will absorb it like the Black Panther suit and skull fuck them back into hidding for a few months. Great pick by WSD.
Pick 5: Chief, Pirate Simon Interrogation (Video)
Grade- Hot As A Heat Lamp
A video that will live on forever in Barstool lore. The way it captivated Stoolies at the time is utterly ridiculous. Just like Carls pick, I think the ‘saga’ of it all is more memorable than just the video, but I think just by having the video on the graphic Chief will get that. Im guessing Chief would like the heat lamp picture and KenJac is going to put a still frame from the actual Pirate porn video.
Round 1: It took one pick for Pres to make waves in the draft. It’s also so perfect Dog Walk Draft that the pick guidelines for a draft with alot of grey areas wasn’t fully discussed but that is the barstool difference.
Round 2
Pick 6: Chief, Tiko Texas (Ancillary Character)
Grade- White Trash Pick of the Draft
Dave and Tikos run together as battery mates was one of a kind. Tiko becoming a Barstool side show, I mean character, is just one of those Barstool story lines you’d never be able to script.
Pick 7: WSD, AVN Awards (Video)
Grade- Time To Squirt
WSD off to a hot start. This was in the running for my number one overall video. Back when Pres doing these kind of videos was some of the best unscripted content and the finger machine moment in this video is Dave Portnoy at his finest. Just absolutely blasting away and breaking records never before seen at the convention. The overall video itself has so many more amazing moments too, it birthed the Porn King. WSD is 2/2.
Pick 8: Carl, Ball Don’t Lie (T-Shirt)
Grade- Free Ball Dont Lie Shirt
1.1 for the t-shirt category. There was a close second the history of the Ball Don’t Lie shirt is so damn funny and if you are an early Stoolie the inside joke will always make you laugh. Hopefully this will play on the graphic for newer Stoolies.
Pick 9: Eddie, Weird Haircut Seth (Ancillary Character)
Grade- IDIOT!
What an idiot. How does Eddie not bring up that Pres literally named a horse after the guy! That boosts this pick so much and it doesn’t even get mentioned, Ed needs to be better. WHS may have been a shooting star but his name lives on forever. The moment that was given to us in the football throw video has become a Hall Of Fame video in barstool records. Pres came into this ready to hate on picks.
Pick 10: El Pres, Pirate Simon (Ancillary Character)
Grade- Creep
Simon was a creepy character to me. Probably not to me, but very much a creepy guy. Taking the character over the video is the better play here. The character encapsulates the whole saga.
Round 2: WSD with the best pick of the draft so far. The AVN video is quite possibly the funniest video barstool has ever done.
Round 3
Pick 11: El Pres, Big Cat Lions Game (Video)
Grade- Detroit Don
There are so many Big Cat video it is hard to just pick one, but the ending of this video definitely makes it stand out a little more than the rest. Big Cats’ costume is flat out hilarious. Detroit Don falling immediately upon entering the row will make me cry laughing every time. Strong wrap around from Pres.
Pick 12: Eddie, McShay Combine (Video)
Grade- He Tried
I think in a Barstool draft you need to get KFC on your board and this is a strong way to do it. “The best ability is availability” could go on KFCs gravestone.
Pick 13: Carl, Zonker (Rivalry)
Grade- Barstool.Com
Another rivalry pick that I thought was great that got shot down by the peanut gallery. Zonker not needing the domain in any way shape or form but refusing to give it up is very hilarious. Even the name is preposterous. Zonker. I think Dave lashed out at this pick and it showed that it truly is a good rivalry. Dave would love barstool.com and he can’t have it. Zonker is a rival he can’t beat.
Pick 14: WSD, Goodell Clown Face (T-Shirt)
Grade- Beautiful Blue
Is Dave trying to win a draft? This is my number 3 t-shirt for this draft but I think it is going to play on the graphic better than Ball Don’t Lie and my number two. I think Roger sees that image in his sleep. It is such a unique blue and the image is so perfect. Dave is 3/3, I hope he can keep this going.
Pick 15: Chief, Nate Noogies Pres (Moment)
Grade- Shocking
One of the most jaw dropping moments in Barstool history. Shock and awe from everyone involved. It took such balls for Nate to do that and no one will ever do something like that to Pres again.
Round 3: Carl getting no love for Zonker was tough, I loved the pick. WATCH THE DETROIT DON AND SUPER FAN VIDEO IF YOU WANT TO CRY LAUGHING.
Round 4
Pick 16: Chief, Too Big. Too Fast. Too Strong. Too American. (T-Shirt)
Grade- These Colors Dont Run
I won’t sit here and hate on an awesome American themed shirt when the country was buzzing about the USA hockey team, but there is just a clearly better shirt option on the board. This is a cool shirt. Means something to Chief, but even he admitted he wasn’t sure what to do with his merch pick.
Pick 17: WSD, Jenna Marbles (Ancillary Character)
Grade- She Could Have Been Something
Amazing pick, awful follow up of the pick. Just set himself up to get absolutely roasted. And that is what makes WSD so special, no idea when he will say something completely boneheaded, but rest assured, he will.
Pick 18: Carl, BigCat StingRay Video (Video)
Grade- Shark Basically Pays for Itself
A video that should have 3 million views. It isn’t just the stingray tank either, it’s the entire video. Hilarious from start to finish. I don’t know who’s videos like that used to be more funny, Dave or Dan, but holy shit they are gold. BigCat wanting a literal card shark may go down as one of the most underrated BigCat ideas of all time.
Pick 19: Eddie, Warrior (T-Shirt) FRANNY LYDON: VETOED/BRADY HOWIZTER: VETOED
Grade- Panic Pick
DOUBLE VETO. Ed was going through the ringer trying to find his moment and I kind of think Franny Lydon should have been allowed. It is another one of those ‘saga’ type deals that captivated Barstool. The double veto sent Ed off the deep end and he just fumbled this t-shirt pic. The wrestling line of shirts was most definitely cool but they aren’t making the draft board. This was tough for Ed.
Pick 20: El Pres, Super Bowl Arrest (Moment)
Grade- Dead Legs
The El Pres dead legs were the limpest legs in the history of legs. Not fighting it, not making a scene, just going full blown dead fish was a HYSTERICAL moment. Pres getting this in the 4th round is incredible value. Dave still has his merch pick coming and I can knew what it was going to be before he even said it.
Round 4: WSD is having his best draft in a long time. Chief is falling out of contention. Carls video may be the funniest out there after watching it. Pres keeps getting stronger. Eddie got shafted.
Round 5
Pick 21: El Pres, Starfish Pinnie (T-Shirt)
Grade- OG
IN THE 5TH ROUND. Dave just got 1st to 2nd round value for his 4th/5th wrap around and just won himself this draft. Daves draft just kept getting stronger as the draft went on and the 3 picks he closed out with were just spectacular. The Starfish pinnie was the first t-shirt that came to mind when I saw the draft category and I cannot believe it fell to the 5th. I do not have a pinnie myself but my pup rocks the purple and gold starfish collar.
Pick 22: Eddie, Daves Raspy Voice Post Super Bowl Rundown (Moment)
Grade- ….BIG CAT.
What a bounce back from Eddie here. This rundown voice was LEGENDARY. The hat, the medallion, the cigar lighting, BigCat laughing. I was in tears re-watching this. You cant make up Pres’ voice. You just cant. Remarkable moment.
Pick 23: Carl, Peter Chernin (Ancillary Character)
Grade- Valuable Character, Not a Valuable Pick
The sale to Chernin was very important to the overall trajectory to the moon but Chernin himself has never been a character. Peter Chernin is kind of a myth. He is the man who had the balls to invest in the pirate ship but other than that he has been hands off and in the shadows. The thought process to get Chernin somewhere on the board is fine, the execution was not there.
Pick 24: WSD, Chernin Sale (Moment)
Grade- Better Than Carls Pick
A rare good piggy back pick here. Carl had the right idea, Dave made the better pick. The Chernin sale was a huge moment for Barstool and taking this moment kind of gives you the image of the whole company in Times Square and that announcement. Ill say it again, Ed kind of got a raw deal on his moments.
Pick 25 Mr. Irrelevant: Chief, Carl v. Dave (Rivalry)
Grade- No Integrity
Mailing in the final pick of the draft. I consider myself a knowledgeable Stoolie. I did not really know Dave v. Carl was much of a rivalry. I agree with Chief that he wasn’t going to win, but through 3 rounds he was in a good spot and just didn’t do the research needed in the thinner categories to put himself in position to win.
This comes down to the two Daves. El Presidente. And Turtle. So there are two ways this plays out. Option 1- The Portnoy faithful, the salt of the earthers, the common man, come out and vote for him no matter what. Option B- Dave gets spited by all the Stoolies and they all vote for WSD and make El Pres look like a fool and WSD look like a hero. I am here for both option. All in all a great draft. I do hope Pres returns because I think it could have been better. Re-watching all the videos and reminiscing about the old Barstool days was certainly great though.
SNUBS:
Character: UBER DRIVER DEBBIE- Thought she would have been a perfect character to get drafted.
Moment: EL PRES LINGERE TACKLE- This came from a planned video so I don’t know if it would have counted, but the image that came from this play goes in the Dave Portnoy Hall Of Fame.
T-Shirt: SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS- This was a HUGE line and still is for Barstool and it would have looked great on the graphic.
Rivalry: DAVE vs. WORDS- Just Dave constantly messing up words and names. May have been vetoed, but may have played.
Video: ORIGINAL PIZZA REVIEW- The review that kicked off all the reviews.
